Blog For Mental Health 2013

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

blogformentalhealth20131

I’m proud to say that I am participating in the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Campaign detailed here at A Canvas of the Minds.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a little while (well, it’s only been around for a little while), you will know that the focus is on mental health issues, not the least of which is the struggle our family faced when my daughter was a self-harming suicidally depressed teenager.

What you may not know is that I have also dealt with the darkness of depression myself. I reached a place that was so unnervingly and unexpectedly dark that I welcomed the idea of being run over by a bus. Thankfully this happened after I’d been able to get my daughter to the help she needed.

My therapist said I was passively suicidal. I can’t argue with that. It wasn’t as dramatic as the struggle my daughter (and many others) have dealt with, but it was a sobering surprise to find myself there. It’s also been a sobering honor for me to walk though various mental health issues with my kids, including depression, anxiety, and panic, among others.

I am taking the opportunity to publicly display this badge not only so that readers know the focus of my blog, but also to invite you writers whose blogs focus on mental health issues to do the same. Find the info and instructions here if you are interested.

I advocate for people who deal with mental health challenges, and also for those who love and support them. I feel strongly that the stigma of mental health (or mental illness, whichever you choose to call it)  should be confronted and changed.

We do not blame someone whose body becomes diseased. Neither should we blame someone whose brain has an illness. We jump to support someone getting help to manage a physical ailment. We should do the same when a mind or a brain need extra care and treatment.

I am not ashamed of our story; in fact I believe that sharing our stories is one of the most effective forms of education that exists.

There are lots of “us” out here. You won’t really be able to recognize us if you pass us in the grocery store, but we’re there. We’re here. We’re not going anywhere. In fact, quite the opposite.

If you ever find yourself unexpectedly within our ranks, believe me when I tell you these two things are true:

1) None of us planned or expected to be here either. But we are. And that’s okay.

2) You will find some of the most kind, knowledgeable, compassionate, strong, and supportive people in the world walking next to you.

 

© Monica Simpson and Help To Hope, 2013
https://www.facebook.com/HelpToHope
https://twitter.com/HelpToHope

Focus on Teen Eating Disorders

Hello, friends. I am busy preparing for a family wedding and will continue with the next installment of our story in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I would love to direct you to the Help To Hope Facebook page. Just click on the link to head over and like the page.

For the remainder of the month of June, the Help To Hope page will focus on eating disorders in teens of both genders. There are many misconceptions about this topic, and there are also many brave teens and parents willing to share their stories of hope and recovery.

happy mom and teen

(Photo Source: Google Images)

Additionally, there are some great resources out there for parents who are wondering if their teen has an eating disorder, or just need some encouragement as they walk this road with their teen or young adult child.

Please join us on the Help To Hope Facebook page as we learn about this important and far-reaching issue. (There is also a link to the Facebook page on the homepage of my blog.)

Thanks!

Monica

 

© Monica Simpson and Help To Hope, 2013

We Could Be Friends

I was behind her on the road near Target. I passed the time at the stop light reading the mass of bumper stickers that were perhaps holding together the back end of her car.

Two of them were wonderfully memorable:

“I child-proofed the house. But somehow they keep finding their way back in.”

And my favorite:

“Don’t make me release the flying monkeys!”

I have no idea who that woman was, but I’m pretty sure that if we ever met, we could be friends.

wizard_of_oz_0860_wicked_witch_and_monkey

(Photo Source: Google Images)

© Monica Simpson and Help To Hope, 2013

Responding to Your Teen’s Self Harm

“I wish he would just tell me it’s all my fault. Then I would know I could fix it.”  This is what a shocked and saddened father told me recently when he found out his teenager was self-harming. How do we process the fact that our adolescent is purposefully choosing to physically wound him- or herself?  How do we fight the panic as we wonder if this is a suicide attempt? How do we answer the ensuing questions: “Does my child want to die? What did I do wrong? How do I make it stop?”

I have been that parent. I have asked those questions. I have cried in bewilderment and fear, wondering just where I went wrong and how I can back up and make it right again. I have pondered what happened to that toddling child who looked to me to make the world right, just as I have wondered what has happened to me, the mother who lived in the illusion that I could do just that.

Mom and Toddler from Stock.xchng
(Photo source: stock.xchng)

There is a deep and abiding sadness when we realize that what we are dealing with is well beyond the scope of our knowledge or experience, and also has the potential to be dangerous and destructive in the long-term.

IS IT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT?
Many parents wonder if their teen is harboring a death wish, if self-harm is a suicide attempt gone awry. I certainly wondered this. It made no sense to me whatsoever. The good news is that the vast majority of adolescents who self-harm fall into the category of non-suicidal self injury (NSSI).

If the emotional struggles that prompt one to self harm are ignored or left untreated, it stands to reason that this could eventually lead to a higher risk for suicide. And certainly there is cause for concern that self injuries could become more severe and dangerous than intended. This is not a behavior to be ignored, but non-suicidal self injury is just that, self injury without the intent of suicide.

I sometimes explain it this way to friends or parents who are as baffled as I was: When I was young, back in the olden days, and someone was having a tough time, they might get drunk, smoke pot, or engage in promiscuous and risky sexual behaviors in an attempt to relieve their anxiety and sadness, or just to get their minds off their problems. Granted, those are pretty poor coping skills, and self-injury can be classified as that as well, as a poor coping skill.

Like other poor options, it doesn’t mean kids want to die. It means they want the pain to stop; they want a distraction from whatever is causing them distress. Ironically, they are causing themselves physical pain in response to emotional or psychological pain.

But more often than not self injury is a non-lethal attempt to escape distress.

WHY SELF HARM?
Why would anyone choose to carve their own skin to the point of pain and bloodshed? Why do some teens intentionally burn or bruise, pick at, puncture, scratch, pinch, embed foreign objects into, or otherwise harm their bodies? When I was in high school, self injury was simply nowhere on our radar. It just wasn’t thought of. Southern Comfort, joints, and parking cars in dark deserted areas were, but purposefully harming oneself was not.

In today’s culture, estimates say that 1 in 8 to 1 in 5 teens hurt themselves physically on at least a somewhat regular basis. Some numbers indicate that 1 in 3 to even 1 in 2 adolescents have tried self harm at least once. It may be unknown to us parents and other adults, but it’s quite well known among the kids themselves. It’s not an unusual phenomenon to them and science shows the release of endorphins (a ‘feel good’ chemical our bodies produce) when one self injures can in fact give temporary emotional relief. This can lead to repeated acts of self harm, as teens look for a continuing, albeit short-lived, reprieve.

Some teens say they practice NSSI in order to “feel anything at all”. This may not be typical risk-taking behavior as we think of it. For instance, if I wanted to really feel something, I might take a bungee jump off a land bridge just to feel the adrenaline rush. (Thankfully, I don’t need that much adrenaline to get through my days.) Sometimes the rush of self harm can feel addicting. It can be devastating to hear your child say they are engaging in ongoing self harm or other risky behaviors just to feel anything at all. In my experience, this is a clear sign that there are some serious concerns to be addressed.

Self harm is not so much the problem as the symptom.

IS IT MY FAULT? DID I CAUSE THIS?
Short of being an abusive/neglectful parent or person in your teen’s life, I would advise you to not point a finger at yourself or even at a spouse, ex-spouse, grandparent, or anyone else you might like to lay blame on for what your child is experiencing. Of course we have said and done things that have caused our children angst, anger, embarrassment, and exasperation. (Isn’t that our job??)

We live in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people, and neither we nor our children are exceptions to that. We can second guess ourselves until we run out of breath and life, and we will always come up with things we should have or could have done better. Welcome to The Wonderful World of Parenting.

Here is an example from my own experience: My first husband left our family when our kids were 7, 4, and 2 ½. As time went on, it became clear that our parenting styles were very different. By observation as well as admission, it was obvious he was quite permissive, and I felt the kids were exposed to things that they weren’t ready for (such as R-rated movies in elementary school).

In response to this, I chose to be a more structured and sheltering parent, which most likely came across as overprotective and controlling. And perhaps in response to that, their dad became even more permissive. Were we trying to offset one another’s perceived parenting flaws? In doing so, did we cause confusion and frustration for our children? Of course. (And there are plenty of things I did just plain wrong on my own, regardless of my ex-husband’s actions and choices).

Life is challenging, and we all do the best we can with what we have. This applies to our children as well. Sometimes our best efforts fall short of the highest good. We keep trying, but we are far from perfect. Some teens (and some 50-year-olds!) are at a lower spot on the learning curve, and this can be part of the bigger picture of one’s choice to self harm. Sometimes mental health or emotional issues are involved, and sometimes we just need help learning healthier ways to cope.

Usually there is not one specific incident we can point to and name as the cause for self harming behavior.

WHAT DO I DO NOW? HOW DO I FIX IT?
Like the father mentioned above, we parents often question our own responsibility when it comes to our kids choosing to self harm. And like him, we may wish to have the blame placed squarely on our own shoulders so that we can guarantee the result: “I broke it, so I can and will fix it.” We hope to regain something we never really had in the first place: complete control. That control would seem to remove the possibility of an unknown outcome, eliminating worry and pain for both ourselves and our adolescent children.

But it really doesn’t work like that.

Remember that self injury is a poor coping mechanism in response to some kind of emotional difficulty (anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, and many others). Recall also that NSSI is more often than not the symptom, not the problem. We cannot go back and undo the many things that have caused our child’s struggle, nor can we wish into sudden existence the ability for our teen to skillfully and maturely deal with difficulties.

We cannot learn what our adolescents need to know; they must learn it for themselves. They must take in the possibility of acquiring better ways to cope. Then they must actually practice those better ways. Ongoing NSSI issues can, and often should, be addressed with the help of a trained mental health counselor.

This doesn’t mean we renounce the responsibility we have as parents, though. It means we don’t blame our kids or others, especially not in front of our kids.  It means that we take an honest look at things we ourselves could do better, that we have the courage to face the things that frighten us, and that we choose to enter in to the process of becoming as emotionally and mentally healthy as we can be.

The road to wellness can feel challenging and overwhelming. As my late husband used to say, “That’s why parents get paid the big bucks!” (Funny guy, he was.) But as difficult and scary as it may be, facing those big issues is the best road to health for all of us, and we give our children a great gift when we choose to offer such an example.

Threats and intimidation of your teen will do more harm than good, as will pretending everything is fine. Continuing self injury is a sure sign that some emotional distress needs to be tended to. Parental negligence or fear caused by threats will not serve our kids well in any way. While the majority of adolescents practicing NSSI may outgrow the behavior on their own within 5 years, receiving help is still encouraged. If we can offer our growing children better alternatives to handle pain and anxiety, why would we not?

Let go of the concern that your child’s struggles will reflect poorly on you as a parent. Choose instead to seek and make available the best help and support you can find.

And if contributing factors indicate that your teen will not be in that 80% who may eventually stop self harming on their own, then seek immediate help. If you see behaviors that concern you (such as depression, anxiety, substance use/abuse, change in personality or behavior) please be courageous enough to intervene on behalf of your teenager.

Oftentimes, in order for a self harming teen to change and heal, the family must change and heal as well. A good therapist – and a good parent – will look at the family system and help to identify areas that may have contributed to the difficulty. This is not a blame game, this is an opportunity to step up and learn healthier ways of relating to yourself and each other. It’s not a matter of “fix this kid”. It’s more a matter of “how do we all learn and heal and grow healthy together?”

Winter Walk from Stock.xchng
(Photo source: stock.xchng)

My daughter shares that her high school dance teacher used to tell her students, “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” Not that we will ever be perfect parents, but we can learn to use better, wiser skills, and to model them for our kids. My formerly self injuring daughter adds her own concluding thought: “In rehearsal, on the stage, and in life, we need to give it our all to expect rewarding results.”

We learn better so we can do better.

© Monica Simpson and Help To Hope, 2013

Theater 8, Part 2

You can read Theater 8, Part 1 here.

*****

I lay in bed thinking it was probably a gang shooting, sadly not an unknown occurrence in the area. I figured the theater staff would come in, explain, and calmly evacuate everyone, handing them their free movie passes on the way out or at least telling them when they could come back to get them. I waited to hear back from my girls. Nothing.

After about 15 minutes, I sent a text to my older daughter, who had been very concerned about her sister’s rising anxiety. “If you have to,” I wrote, “find an employee and tell them your sister is having a panic attack and needs to be away from the crowd. Maybe in an office or something.” This was at 12:55 a.m. I pictured my younger daughter, shoulders heaving as they simultaneously tried to curl around and enclose her, breath catching, sobs racking the way these things happen when anxiety takes her into a place of full panic. Still, I did not yet grasp the enormity of the event. None of us did.

“Mom, I thought we were going to die. But I also thought that no matter what, I would do my best to make sure she got out of there alive, even if I didn’t. I had already decided that I would push people down, run them over, run past them, do whatever I had to do to just get her out of there.”

This is not the story that makes the news, but if you knew this girl, this big sister, and what she has endured in her 20 years, you would realize this protective determination was in itself a bit of a miracle. She took charge; she led her panicked sister out with “We’re going. I’ve got you” as they joined a growing crowd finally exiting through the lobby. They got to the doors leading outside when my younger daughter refused to exit the theater for fear of a gunman loose in the parking lot. “We are leaving and I am taking you home!” was the firm response from her sister.

So the younger, almost ever and always the leader in both mischief and fun, was taken by the usually more reserved elder out past the gathering throng of people, police cars, and emergency vehicles, loaded into the car, and driven the short route to home. Granted, the younger cursed at the older pretty much the whole way. At the top of her lungs, it seems. But she had the grace to apologize a day or two later, after she left the confines of her locked basement bedroom where she hid for some time.

Unknown to me as I waited at home, the police blocked off the theater parking lot, putting it on lockdown just after my daughters drove out of it. As I waited anxiously, having flashbacks of stories from Columbine High School (I’d had friends whose kids were there) and thinking my girls may still be crouched on the sticky theater floor, I was debating whether or not to call, to battle the piercingly loud emergency alarm, movie music, and people that had infiltrated and ended our previous conversation. I was giving it “just five more minutes”, when suddenly there was pounding on my bedroom door.

“Mommy!” My 18-year-old threw herself onto my bed, onto my body, and sobbed in fear, anger, frustration and panic. I stroked her hair. She cannot be held when panic has hold of her, and even touching or standing close to her is normally off-limits until she feels she has regained some control. “It’s okay, honey. You can cry. It’s okay.”

Her older sister came into the room. We spoke a little bit, trying to piece together a clear picture in spite of all the confusion. “I don’t want to talk about it!” was all her younger sister would sob, eventually taking her refuge downstairs. The next hours were spent online and in front of the television, trying to gather information, numb with the realization of what had actually happened and how close my children (young adults, yes – but my children nonetheless) had been to death and destruction. I remember the dawning thoughts of “Okay, wait. I think this is NATIONAL news. This is going to be everywhere. Oh, this is really bad.”

Thankfully, my daughters left the theater quickly enough to avoid the sight of carnage, damage, and bloodshed. They were spared what many were not. I am very grateful. Even so, they were traumatized, adding yet another layer to what seem to be endless layers of challenge for our family. I don’t pretend to understand. I don’t pretend to be okay with it. I don’t pretend to think that the issues they were already facing will not be worsened and intensified by this experience; they probably will be.

But I will do my best to encourage them to face this head on, to allow for their grief and trauma to be processed (and my own as well), but not give it permission to control their lives. These are ultimately choices they must make for themselves, and I don’t think we even yet fully understand what the entire impact of this experience will be. But I am not prepared to give up on their behalves.

One daughter is ready to head back to a movie theater, eager for the enjoyment she derives from films, toying with the idea of film production school. The other is not yet ready to be on the light rail, or in a classroom, and especially not in a theater. These are the first steps and, faltering or not, they are necessary for all future steps.

“Mom, they’re calling it a massacre now.”

“Yes, I heard that.”

“I can’t believe we were there, Mom. I just can’t believe we were there.”

“I can’t either, sweetie. I’m so thankful you are home and safe, but I’m so sorry you were there. I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“Wow. Some day I’m going to be able to tell my kids this story, and that we were there.”

“Yup, you sure will.”

“I had a lot of friends at the movie; some were in our theater. Some were in Theater 9. But they all got out okay. None of them got hurt.”

“I’m so glad they got out okay. I’m so glad.”

“I just wanted to get her out of there, Mom, even if I couldn’t get out alive myself. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“I know, and you did. You could not have made any better decisions than you made; you did everything right. Even if things had turned out differently, you did everything right, and I’m so proud of you.”

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Post Script:

It is now nearly nine months since the internationally publicized Aurora Theater Shooting.

My older daughter loves going to the movies, alone or with friends.

My younger daughter has been to one movie theater since July 20, 2012. It was one of those places that combines movies and dinner, where the seats are bigger, the aisles are wider, and the layout is not like that of a traditional theater. She was flanked by two trusted men, both members of the US Army, which was all by careful design. She knew what she needed, and she made sure she had it. I can learn a lot from that girl.

I am immeasurably proud of both of my daughters.

 

© Monica Simpson and Help To Hope, 2013